“That was totally fucked,” said Andrea. “He was hitting on me and calling me a bitch.
“Worse, you didn’t even do anything!”
“That’s totally not true,” I countered. Andrea and I were walking home from the rock show, with less than flattering results. Some chud had gotten up in her craw and, as usual, I was the one taking flak for it.
“I did too do something. I stepped between the two of you,” I conjectured.
“Eventually,” sighed Andrea. “And barely.”
“I challenged him to an essay writing contest,” I giggled. “I totally would have laid him out too.”
“You know, someday you are going to have to fight for me. Literally,” she added.
“I’m not a fighter, I’m a lover,” I bellowed triumphantly.
“Not a fighter but a loser,” Andrea extrapolated.
“A loser with a beautiful nose,” I said.
Andrea wasn’t impressed; neither was I.
* * * * *
I’ve been punched on numerous occasions. Several times I’ve arguably deserved it. Other times it was completely uncalled for. The point being is that most people aren’t fortunate enough to make it through life without getting bitchslapped.
Despite my vaguely non-disappointing physique – six foot five and 200 pounds thank you – I actually comprise the 99 per cent of dude who falls between the two extreme examples presented in the old timey Charles Atlas ads. I am neither the nerd who gets sand kicked in his face nor the lurid carnival of man flesh that is the jock. I’ve been hit, punched, bit, slapped, kicked and called names – it happens and will happen again.
I’ve also seen more fist fights in Saskatoon lately than I can ever remember – reasonable guesses would lead me to believe it’s either the city importing our drinking water from Regina, magnetic fields shifting the north pole directly south of Prince Albert or increasingly bad television programming. So maybe the next time you go to Amigos for a folksy-indie-electro-rock show bring a codpiece and a mouth guard.
However, this isn’t a guide on how to fight. Fighting is lame, stupid, pointless, boring, outdated, childish, medieval, hammy and a total bonerkill. Besides, I actually don’t know to fight.
Actually that’s not true. I don’t know how to hit back. But I do know how to start a fight.
Top Five Ways I’ve Started a Fight:
Buying a can of paint just to throw on the sidewalk in front of someone’s house. Resulted in a roundhouse to the neck.
Stole a wheel of cheese from a stranger’s fridge during a house party. Swung at, plus banned from house for life.
Attempted to reason to duder hitting on my girlfriend. Tapped me on the chest and asked what it would feel like to “wear my nose inside out.”
Told an acquaintance that she looked “girthy.” In my defense, she said started it by saying she looked “rotund.” In any case, new enemy for life.
Sleeping with a friend’s ex. He never hit me, but he did glare at me for the better part of a year.
In any case, I’ve never hit anyone in my life, even when I was hit first. One of the advantages of being tall is that once someone hits you and you don’t do anything back they will hopefully buy you a beer afterwards.
This has only happened once, so maybe don’t expect it.
Top Five Ways To Take a Punch:
Run away. Seriously, this works. You look like a tool and people might make fun of you. But this is one of the best ways to avoid the punch altogether. This is especially useful when dealing with someone from the opposite gender. No one wants to get hit by a girl. Or a boy.
Start laughing. Once you start laughing after you get punched your attacker could very well back off. Punch a crazy person/someone with a mental handicap and you will be branded the asshole that you are.
Be drunk. This will help dull the pain. And you are less likely to cry.
Don’t let them hit you in the nose. Once you get hit in the nose it’s all over. You get blood everywhere, you will probably fall down and you will look like a fucking nightmare. Besides, it’s remarkably easy to get your nose broken, which could result in permanent damage. When getting punched think about snapping your head to the side or dodging. You’re about to get hit anyway so let your attacker land one on your skull. Brain damage notwithstanding, if your bully hits you in the skull it’s probably just going to hurt their paw anyway.
Bamboozle them. Do anything possible to confuse your attacker, including off the cuff compliments, chatting with a friend or feigning a call on your cell phone and telling everyone “hold on, this is important.” This actually worked once. My attacker was very gallant and let me finish the fake call. Once I hung up then he punched me. It was sort of cute, which sort of helped the fact that he caught me just below the ear.