Ominocity’s Guide to Speed Dating

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Are 5 minute dates and Valentine’s Day desperation the secret to love?

I went on my first blind date when I was 18. A buddy’s girlfriend decided that I needed to meet her co-worker and invited me to join them for drinks at the Sutherland bar. Being underage this was also the first time I ever snuck into a club. Luckily this was before the days of photo ID so I just borrowed a friend’s driver’s license and memorized his birthday and middle name and was on my way. The girl I was being set up with was way out-of-my-league hot and clearly not interested in dating an underage punk rock kid who still lived in his parent’s basement. She bumped into her ex-boyfriend and they ended up making out on the dance floor.

I never went on a blind date or back to the Scuz again.

Fast forward 15 years and rather than spending a romantic Valentine’s Day at home splitting a can of Fancy Feast with my cat I find myself signed up for speed dating at a local sex toy shop. If the idea of going on 5 minute dates with 10 strangers isn’t ridiculous enough, surely the added desperation of Valentine’s Day would make for a winning forumla. And if it all goes horribly, the shop did have a variety of reasonably priced blow up dolls to go home with.

So did I meet the cat lady of my dreams?

Well, first only half of the girls actually showed up. Thanks for standing me up ladies!

Next, one of the girls actually ended up being a dude. My buddy Ashley forgot to specify if he had boy or girl parts when he signed up. I’m still a little bummed that we didn’t get a chance to have a 5 minute man date.

While there were definitely a few lonely hearts in attendance, most people I encountered were relatively normal. All of my conversations flew by quickly and easily but I did have the joy of speaking to a girl who mentioned Jesus about 15 times in our 5 minutes together. At least I refrained from talking about my cat.

By far the best conversation I had with any girl that night was with one of the salesladies at the sex shop. She was showing me the latest advancements in female sex toys and was eager to sell me a dildo that not only massaged and vibrated the vagina, but gently electrocuted it too. I was a bit stunned for words.

Unimpressed we ended the night more traditionally by meeting friends at the Colonial to hit on girls with more questionable morals. We all went home alone.

While I didn’t find love, I did check off a few names on my speed dating card just to see if I had any game. I was called the next day and told that I had multiple matches. I don’t plan to call them but it’s nice to know that I’m not completely inept.

And here I was really hoping to title this article “Ominocity’s Guide to Being Rejected by 10 Women in an Hour”.