Terrible Dating Advice With Matt & Amber

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Coming from a string of failed relationships, Matt and Amber feel they both have enough combined experience in the dating game to qualify as self-proclaimed Dating Columnists. However, any and all advice given is to be taken with a large dose of skepticism, and none of the advice following is intended to replace actual professional counseling and/or medical advice.

“I have two good friends who recently just broke up. He told me and only me that he cheated on his girlfriend while they were dating. I’m friends with both of them equally. Do I tell her?” – Unwilling Confidant.

Matt: YES, the world is lacking drama! No, sorry, I understand it’s a terrible burden to keep this shit tidbit to yourself but at the same time they’re broken up. Don’t open up more wounds for the poor girl. It’s like sleeping with an ex: it never ends well. The only way I’d say you could turn into a Chatty Cathy is if it’s looking like they may get back together; then she needs to know the truth. I’m just going to throw this out there; I’m single by the way.

Amber: Agreed, and to add: you’re just going to give her another reason to be angry (and maybe rightfully so) at her ex, but that’s just going to make it even more difficult for her to get over him and his douchebaggery. Also, confiding in her friend that you’ve cheated, but not having the balls to tell your girlfriend? Shit move, bruh.

“This one is a three-parter: (1) how do I know if it’s a date, or just hangs? (2) Is a first date at my house a bad idea for a first date? (3) After a few dates, things aren’t going well. How do I end it like a gentleman? Is a text okay after just a few dates?” – Dean of Sexytimes

Amber: First, if the word “date” (as in dinner date, movie date, museum date) is at all involved in your textual or face-to-face conversations while planning the affair, it’s probably a date. If there’s alcohol involved, it’s probably a date. If there’s drunk Jenga involved, it’s probably a date. Second, totally a bad idea. First dates need to take place in an environment where you both feel at ease, and having it at a location other than your pad saves you the trouble of having to vacuum and hide your porn. Third, unless you want to seem like a total ass, break it off over a coffee at least.

Matt: (1) I usually think it’s just “hangs,” I miss out on every type of “pass” because usually my head’s not in that “dating” mode (was that too many quotations?). Either way, if it’s just her and yourself and you have that butterfly effect (the one in your stomach, not the movie, although damn! Ashton Kutcher was babely in that), it’s probably a date. (2) I usually have women over at my house without knowledge that it’s a date; avoid this if you don’t want those awkward morning conversations pertaining to “I’m going to work, sooooo uhhhhh yaaaaaaa” or you proceed to the couch and wait ‘til she leaves. (3) Text messaging is my main source of communication: “I dont think we shuld c eech otha n e moe, srry.” I don’t keep many as friends after that though.

-Art by Chrix Morix.