Ominocity’s Guide to Preparing for Tour

Making to do lists may not be best use of time, says local musician

I am an idiot.

I am leaving for tour in less than 24 hours and I have already forgotten a major swath of the umpteen million things I had to do before I can leave. It doesn’t help that I am leaving the country for what is essentially the other side of the planet. Idiocy, apparently, is cosmopolitan.

How does one say “I am a vegetarian ninny” in Dutch anyway?

I can’t find my passport. I still need to buy 9-volt batteries. And I never did learn the basics of any of the languages of any of the countries I will be playing in. How does one say “I am a vegetarian ninny” in Dutch anyway?

Thankfully I made a list. It makes me feel like less of a fail. But I still wish I had just done all these things instead.

Trim nails: fingers, toes. But, as a semi-functioning quasi-adult, this should be something you do anyway.

Cut hair: head, armpit, pubic. See above.

Buy extra bass strings, picks, patch cords, 9-volt batteries. See above again, but substitute the word “adult” for “musician”.

Find passport in obscure hiding spot from previous tour. For some reason I always hide my passport somewhere ridiculous in-between travel and then do the last minute panic-dance. I am not very good at dancing.

Make and consume supper made from remnants of fridge. I might be a half-mapped poltroon, but I am proud of the fact that I never let food go to waste.

Collect old ginch and socks to wear on tour until soiled; throw out before returning home. This is mostly for my girlfriend’s benefit. Always plan on returning home wearing clean ginch, or don’t come home at all.

Purchase travel insurance. Because staying in a hospital abroad costs something like $15,000 Canadian a day.

Buy one shitty magazine as afterthought for something to read on plane. Whenever I travel I am always stoked to buy dumb magazines – this is the only time I will ever get to find out what exactly goes on within the pages of shitty publications such as GQ, Maxim and Spin.

Have “potentially-might-die-in-fiery-overseas-tour-accident” sex. This line works surprisingly well since it may or may not be kind of true.