Ominocity’s Guide to Saying I Love You

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If you can’t make it then don’t fake it

I’ve had the good fortune to fall in love several times in my life. Concurrently, I’ve also had the exquisite agony of experiencing a broken heart.

I’ve said “I love you” to several people – most of the time I meant it too. There were times when it was beautiful. And then there were times when it was said with the grace of a folding chair.

Since “love’s the greatest thing,” at least according to Brit-pop Romeo Damon Albarn, if you’re going to spring it on your sweetie you might want to try and do it right.

Or at least not scar someone for life.

Hint Hint

Saying I love you completely out of nowhere in the heat of the moment is a good way to make someone laugh. Or cringe. Or cry. Start slowly – if the heart is the hot tub of the dirty hotel that is the human body then you might want to swirl a big toe in there first. Hinted love is adorable and makes your skin prickle like a Christmas cactus.

Just don’t hint like something bad is gonna happen. Texting your crush something like “we have to talk” will only make them think you are giving them the boot, not the butt.

Don’t Waffle

If you have to say it then say it like you mean it. Nothing is worse than getting a love tap that is the equivalent of a thumb wrestling match with a toddler. If you have a habit of ending your spoken sentences with a question mark you might want to consider writing it down on a piece of paper. Or an Etch-a-Sketch.

Forever Never

Which brings us to the next point. For some, making a grandiose statement like “I love you” means you are saying something along the lines of “forever ever.” With that in mind, you might be tempted to apply your amour-isms into a spray-painted mash note or the classic wet cement communique. Mild vandalisms notwithstanding, think about your partner refuting your love. Now think about having a new lover and then casually walking by your sidewalk sweetheart failure.

Hint: removing solid concrete is a much harsher form of property violence, and is hell to explain to the authorities.

-Photo taken from Flickr user “Marctasman” – Creative Commons.