It’s too cold to not get wasted, says local townies
The weather this winter has been one big dysfunctional relationship. The prairies have been non-committal, dramatic, bitchy, extreme and alternating between boring tepid to frosty anger. Someone once told me that dating someone crazy makes for good sex but rarely does it mean a good relationship.
That being said, we are all kind of stuck with the loveless prairies winter. Love it or leave it, like it or lump it.
Relationships gone sour are a race to the bottom, so why not grab a toboggan and go hard and fast
But, having been out with a few crazies in my time, I’ve learnt a thing or two about dealing with relationships gone sour – they are a race to the bottom, so why not grab a toboggan and go hard and fast. If you’re lucky you make it to the end, brush yourself off and trudge back up the hill. If you’re unlucky you spill out over the sides and chip a tooth or rip your favourite pair of ski pants.
Thankfully winter has reverted back to its typical frozen sullen self – time to break out the Krazy Karpets, toboggans, GT Racers and discs and catch a mouthful of snow.
Of course, being something between an adult and a skid, I don’t own any of those things. Anymore. So, rather than invest in any such nonsense, we decided to grab some telltale household items and go skid tobogganing.
Pilsner beer box
This was the initial winner – the smooth coating of the cardboard was pretty much akin to that of a Krazy Karpet. And, surprisingly enough, it lasted for several runs down the hill. But after about four or five runs it started to suck, and you only got about halfway down the hill before being flipped over. Solution: bring many beer boxes.
Discarded pizza box
This wasn’t a very good toboggan. It was awkward, cumbersome and its corrugated texture kept you from picking up a decent amount of speed. However, after a few half-hearted runs down the hill, it started working better. My guess is that either the grease soaked through to the bottom of the box or else it just needed a few passes over some ice to get a decent smoothness. Solution: eat several pizzas.
Lid from Rubbermaid container
Despite having the appearance of one of those fancy store-bought toboggans that look like a spaceship, the Rubbermaid lid was a fail. The edges kept digging into the snow when I tried to push off and there wasn’t a good way to sit on it to distribute weight properly, unlike the Pilsner and the pizza boxes. Solution: keep the lid on the box and go get some pizza and beer.
The classic skid toboggan of choice, as made popular by the movie National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Also made popular by not wanting to go to Shopper’s Drug Mart to buy a $2 Krazy Karpet. In any case, this pan – the GT Racer of the group – already came pre-greased and worked like a charm. That is, until my weight caused it to concave in half. Thankfully we brought a heavier pan with us and this worked even better. Solution: lay off the beer and the pizza.